"You suck"

"I can't believe you missed that"

"You shouldn't even be playing"

"Just go home now".

These are mantras that would fill my head while I would be in warm ups for basketball in college.  I would miss two 3 point shots in a row, and this nasty little voice would start chanting, "You suck, you missed it, you can't make anything".  Awesome right? 

 However, as a young child, I was feisty.  I had this fire in my eyes that propelled me to be better in school, sports, really anything.  I took being competitive to a whole new level(Just ask my sister how her tooth felt after I lost at a nintendo game.) I had this fierceness that propelled me to be awesome..and it worked.

It was sort of like jekyl and hyde.  One side telling me to get better, kick butt...the other side telling me I was worthless.

Even though I was fairly good at most sports that I did, it didn't stop me from putting forth a full effort.  If I was going to do something, I did it.  I practiced, played basketball with the boys, ran, lifted..you name it.  In college I took a morning conditioning class with the college boys basketball team. I was the only girl.  I have a lot of drive when I put my mind to something.  My mind can be an awesome tool.

But it also carried a lot of negativity. There was a tiny little voice that would spring up telling me I wasn't good enough, or if I missed that shot I was awful.  It wasn't until my college basketball coach and a friend said something to me that I realized that I was my own worst enemy.

My sophomore year my basketball coach sat me down and said, "Look, you are a good player, but you are like a ticking time bomb.  We never know when you are going to lose it and just be out of the game." A friend noticed it also.  I would be in warm ups before a game and take a few shots, and if I missed them, I would start getting upset and basically mentally take myself out of the game. He said, "You miss one shot in warm-ups, and you are totally done..out of the game. Thats insane!!"

This was a huge awakening to me.  What used to be an amazing fire that would kick my butt into high gear, turned into a large negative force that would just take me out.  It turned a deep love I had for the game of basketball, into a burden.  So big that I ended up not playing after my sophomore year.  A decision I regret to this day.

I realized this has been a struggle for most of my life.  This voice in my head has stopped me from doing many things.  Out of fear of failure, I would not pursue different passions, or experiences.  It has been an on-going struggle that I still work on.

This voice needs to change it's tune...and NOW!

Today, when I find myself getting down, or struggling with things, I find quotes, or stories that will inspire me.  I also find music that reaches into my soul and connects with exactly what I'm feeling at the moment.  I can find numerous songs that will help me pull together and find strength to accomplish something, or put myself out there.  It's not easy, but I can find the will to tell that little negative voice to shove it!  

If this is something you struggle with too, I'm here to tell you that you can overcome it.  Just find one or two things that inspire you, or help you through a hard time.  It may be a certain book, song, or artist that you can turn on and instantly start to feel better. I know the struggle, and know it's not an easy task to block out that voice.  But I know when you do, you can accomplish amazing things!  I will leave you with a bible verse that I read once in high school(when I was struggling with that little voice) and I would read that over and over again.  Heck, I even wrote it on my basketball shoes before every game.  I hope you find it inspiring, up lifting, or reassuring that you too can over come that voice. 

I can't tell you any other bible verse from the top of my head, or say that I have read much of it.  But this verse has stuck with me, and is one I think of often.  No matter if you are talking to God, the Universe, or whatever you connect with.  Know that you can do this, and you are strong and can over come anything!