I officially lost it this weekend….

I mean besides the going crazy and yelling at my kids every second, and basically losing my mind. This time, I finally fell off the cliff.  

Actually it was more like I BASE jumped off it without wearing a parachute.

And let me tell you, it was UGLY

I feel like I should give you a little back story into this, so I’ll start with the fact that I am 5 months pregnant with our 3rd child and if you live at all around me, you know it’s been a super hot and humid last couple of months.  All the pregnant summer mama’s get what I’m talking about…

So needless to say, I’m already agitated on a daily basis and then you add in my 3.5 year old daughter who throws tantrums like pro athletes, each day I want to FREAK THE F OUT.

This weekend was no different.

I signed my daughter up for Soccer. Mind you, it’s soccer at 3 years old and the expectation level is set real low.  Basically I expected her to go out there, run around, kick a ball, maybe a few kids and that was it.

She had a whole different plan.

First practice, she threw her Serena Williams size tantrum for 20 min, of the 30 min practice.  Finally I got her out there, and she kicked the ball around some and was ok. I did promise she could pick out her own shin guards because the ones we had were clearly not good enough.  She wanted “sparkly” ones.

Ok, I’ll get my bedazzler out and go to town.  Whatever, just get out and play.

Fast forward two days, and it’s game day.  Needless to say I did not get sparkly shin guards b/c I refuse to take my kids to the store EVER, so I didn’t go Friday when my children didn’t have school.  On the way to the field, she started in. “I’m tired, I don’t wanna go”. OVER AND OVER.

It’s 9am, you aren’t tired.  

Then we get there, and she won’t even get out of the car. She keeps trying to get to each side as I’m this large prego lady going back n forth around my car, in my sad attempts to grab her.

AUGH..I was done.  So I told her if she didn’t get out of the car to go to her team(I am a big fan of, you make a commitment, you do it) we were going home and she was going straight to her room to bed, and was going to lose everything in it.

This is when the S. H. I. T. hit the fan.

We get home, I promptly get her in her room, strip her bed of sheets, take out her nightstand, and vanity and turn off the light.  I leave her crying in her room on a sheetless bed.

I then proceeded to go out to the living room, and disconnect our cable box and Apple TV.  My children get way too much screen time, and both of their attitudes are HORRENDOUS when they are in front of it.  They don’t listen to me, they don’t answer, they don’t remember anything. So I knew this had to go. And not just hide the remotes, but remove the option altogether.

Once this was done, I sat in my chair and cried.  I cried for about 45 min. And I mean, all out ugly face tear sobbing cry.  Like I said, it was a bad morning.

During this cry, I also prayed.  I prayed out loud to Jesus for whatever he thought I needed. Help me not be like this.  I don’t want to be angry and yelling at my kids all the time. I want to be a better person. I want to do the things I was put on this earth for.

And then it hit me.  

THEY SEE ME IN FRONT OF A SCREEN ALL THE TIME TOO.

I watch too much Netflix on my phone all the time while they are watching a show, or I’m scrolling thru facebook or instagram passing it off as “work”-I mean I do work on facebook and instagram.  But it has become more of a crutch then actually working.

How would I expect Emmy to enjoy soccer when I haven’t even gotten out there with her?

My kids are doing and saying the things they see me doing and saying all the time.  So yes, the TV needs to go, and my daughter was getting the point after her room was empty(relax, I made her bed).  But what really needed to change, was my everyday interaction and happenings in my house. We need to pair down time in front of screens, and add times of interaction.  Interaction with each other, friends, families and our community. I was going to change this for my kids and the one on its way.

The last two days, not having our cable or internet(apparently when I took out the one box, it disconnected EVERYTHING), I felt much better and I haven’t screamed at my kids at much.  Hubby not as thrilled as he missed football games today!

I even moved my social media icons and Netflix to the way back of my phone, so I have to work to go see it.  I am writing down my hours of work, for both my photography and color street business, and the job I do at my sons school.  Those are going to be the times I am working and the rest the phones and tablets will be put away so I can be present with my family.

It is not going to be easy, but I know in my heart, it is the right thing to do and it is worth it.  I want to pair down my life of useless, meaningless things, and fill them more with things that make my heart happy.  

So why did I write this? Well I have been wanting to start writing consistently and just kept putting it off. My Netflix addiction honestly got in the way.  So without that as an option, I felt the need to write. I have many more planned and in my head, so I hope you will stick around as I get this bad boy going.  

Main point is, We have control over our lives.  We have the ability to ask for help from Jesus, the universe, Gandhi, Oprah, or whoever you seek guidance from and change things around.  It will not be easy, but we can do it. And if we don’t have the control over the events, we have control over our reactions.

I hope you enjoyed this post and I plan on doing more on the topic of decluttering your house and mind, getting connected with yourself, and other things I have found that lead me to this point and who I have become.